Message of the Day Quotes Part III
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@approxinfinity You wouldn’t have won if we’d beaten you.
Yogi Berra
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Why are Wednesday’s called hump day, when most people get laid on the weekends?
Unknown comedian
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101 of the World’s Funniest One Liners !!
- Ninety-nine percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
- Borrow money from a pessimist – they don’t expect it back.
- Time is what keeps things from happening all at once.
- Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
- I didn’t fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
- Never answer an anonymous letter.
- It’s lonely at the top; but you do eat better.
- I don’t suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
- Always go to other people’s funerals, or they won’t go to yours.
- Few women admit their age; few men act it.
- If we aren’t supposed to eat animals, why are they made with meat?
- No one is listening until you make a mistake.
- Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
- We have enough youth. How about a fountain of “Smart”?
- He who laughs last thinks slowest.
- Campers: Nature’s way of feeding mosquitoes.
- Always remember that you are unique; just like everyone else.
- Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
- There are three kinds of people: Those who can count and those who can’t.
- Why is “abbreviation” such a long word?
- Nuke the Whales.
- I started out with nothing and I still have most of it.
- Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
- Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
- A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
- As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.
- Laugh alone and the world thinks you’re an idiot.
- Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep.
- The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it.
- You can’t have everything; where would you put it?
- I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
- Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality check?
- We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.
- 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
- Be nice to your kids. They’ll choose your nursing home.
- If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
- I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
- Eat right. Stay fit. Die anyway.
- My mind is like a steel trap, rusty and illegal in 37 states.
- Nothing is fool proof to a sufficiently talented fool.
- On the other hand, you have different fingers.
- I’ve only been wrong once, and that’s when I thought I was wrong.
- God made mankind. Sin made him evil.
- I don’t find it hard to meet expenses. They’re everywhere.
- I just let my mind wander, and it didn’t come back.
- Don’t steal. The government hates competition.
- Humpty Dumpty was pushed.
- National Atheist’s Day April 1st.
- All generalizations are false.
- The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.
- Work is for people who don’t know how to fish.
- If you don’t like the news, go out and make some.
- For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.
- IRS: We’ve got what it takes to take what you have got.
- I’m out of bed and dressed. What more do you want?
- I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not too sure.
- I can handle pain until it hurts.
- No matter where you go, you’re there.
- If everything is coming your way, then you’re in the wrong lane.
- It’s been Monday all week.
- Gravity always gets me down.
- This statement is false.
- Eschew obfuscation.
- They told me I was gullible…and I believed them.
- It’s bad luck to be superstitious.
- According to my best recollection, I don’t remember.
- The word “gullible” isn’t in the dictionary.
- Honk if you like peace and quiet.
- The Big Bang Theory: God Spoke and BANG! it happened.
- Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
- Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?
- Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
- A day without sunshine is like, night.
- The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
- Corduroy pillows: They’re making headlines!
- Gravity: It’s not just a good idea, it’s the LAW!
- Life is too complicated in the morning.
- We are all part of the ultimate statistic – ten out of ten die.
- Nobody’s perfect. I’m a nobody.
- Ask me about my vow of silence.
- The hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness of the bread.
- The last thing on earth you want to do will be the last thing you do.
- Diplomacy is the art of letting someone else get your way.
- If ignorance is bliss, then tourists are in a constant state of euphoria.
- If at first you don’t succeed, don’t try skydiving.
- If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
- Stop repeat offenders. Don’t re-elect them!
- I intend to live forever. So far so good.
- Who is “General Failure” and why is he reading my hard disk?
- What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
- I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
- Energizer Bunny arrested; charged with battery.
- I didn’t use to finish sentences, but now I
- I’ve had amnesia as long as I can remember.
- Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
- Vacation begins when Dad says, “I know a short cut.”
- Evolution: True science fiction.
- What’s another word for “thesaurus”?
- Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
- A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.
- I went to the fights, and a hockey game broke out.
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@RedRooster Thanks for starting my day off with numerous laughs.
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@RedRooster
Very nice, A great read to get your day started on a good note.
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A fine is a tax for doing wrong, a tax is a fine for doing right. - Read by JayHawkFanToo somewhere…
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No matter how many times your body fails you. Never give in, never settle for failure.
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When you think you have nothing left, just look in the mirror. You will not quit on the reflection, you will see fire burning in those eyes, no matter how dim the flames may be. There is still a fire burning.
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Nudity is never advisable in Antarctica.
Trying to make love to a detonating thermonuclear device always leads to premature annihilation.
Truth and falsity are illusions that are hard to disprove.
If Ebola isn’t a reason to end biological warfare testing, then the Spanish flu of 1918-1920 was.
-jaybate 1.0
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In a private central bank centric world order with untraceable bailouts, the bottom line is there is no bottom line.
–jaybate 1.0
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In the grand scheme of things, there is no grand scheme, but there seem to be a whole lot of little schemes.
–jaybate 1.0
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@jaybate-1.0 Absolutely I would watch out for them. If you see my post this afternoon under T-shirt subject, we have a legal solution with acme that deals directly with KU.
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Ideals are peaceful, history is violent.
(This is from Fury- and I wasn’t able to find an earlier credit to anyone else.)
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Hi, I moved my comment about reservations about t-shirts over to the correct thread and off the quotes thread.
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@approxinfinity-Bill Self’s opening statement at his postgame press conference, as he took a swig from the water bottle left at the podium for him by the Champions Classic staff.
“I was hoping it was Vodka.”
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Most famous quotes were originally stolen from someone else, so if you want to be quotable, steal from the best and deny it.
–jaybate 1.o stolen from Murray Romanov, who stole if from H.G. Fartwell, who stole if from Marcus Tata, who stole it from Echo Sommerston, who stole if from Seaman Hornsby, who wasn’t feeling too well at all.
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Funny One Liners Part II
- Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
- I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather… Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
- I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
- Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. “Yes” is the answer.
- Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
- We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.
- Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship.
- The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
- Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
- If I agreed with you we’d both be wrong.
- Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.
- We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
- War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
- Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
- Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.
- Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.
- My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.
- Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don’t have a good partner, you’d better have a good hand.
- The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
- Evening news is where they begin with ‘Good evening’, and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
- If sex is a pain in the ass, then you’re doing it wrong …
- To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
- If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.
- If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea … does that mean that one enjoys it?
- If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of payments.
- Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.
- How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
- A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.
- Some people are like Slinkies … not really good for anything, but you can’t help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.
- Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?
- A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don’t need it.
- I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
- Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
- Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says “If an emergency, notify:” I put “DOCTOR”. What’s my mother going to do?
- I didn’t fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
- A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
- I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
- I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with “Guess” on it … so I said “Implants?”
- The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.
- Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
- The sole purpose of a child’s middle name, is so he can tell when he’s really in trouble.
- God must love stupid people. He made SO many.
- Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
- Good girls are bad girls that never get caught.
- Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
- Some people say “If you can’t beat them, join them”. I say “If you can’t beat them, beat them”, because they will be expecting you to join them, so you will have the element of surprise.
- Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
- Crowded elevators smell different to midgets.
- You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
- The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!
- A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
- The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
- Laugh at your problems, everybody else does.
- Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose.
- It’s not the fall that kills you; it’s the sudden stop at the end.
- Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
- Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.
- He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.
- A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
- We have enough gun control. What we need is idiot control.
- Hospitality: making your guests feel like they’re at home, even if you wish they were.
- My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
- Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
- When in doubt, mumble.
- I discovered I scream the same way whether I’m about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.
- I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
- Women may not hit harder, but they hit lower.
- A little boy asked his father, “Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?” Father replied, “I don’t know son, I’m still paying.”
- Worrying works! 90% of the things I worry about never happen.
- Just remember … if the world didn’t suck, we’d all fall off.
- My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you’re ugly too.
- Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.
- Jesus loves you, but everyone else thinks you’re an asshole.
- I don’t trust anything that bleeds for five days and doesn’t die.
- I like work. It fascinates me. I sit and look at it for hours.
- I should’ve known it wasn’t going to work out between my ex-wife and me. After all, I’m a Libra and she’s a bitch.
- I always take life with a grain of salt, … plus a slice of lemon, … and a shot of tequila.
- Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat.
- There’s a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can’t get away.
- I used to be indecisive. Now I’m not sure.
- You’re never too old to learn something stupid.
- When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.
- You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together and there was only one life jacket … I’d miss you heaps and think of you often.
- I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, “I’m going to mop the floor with your face.” I said, “You’ll be sorry.” He said, “Oh, yeah? Why?” I said, “Well, you won’t be able to get into the corners very well.”
- Knowledge is power, and power corrupts. So study hard and be evil.
- Does this rag smell like chloroform to you?
- With sufficient thrust, pigs fly just fine.
- To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
- A bargain is something you don’t need at a price you can’t resist.
- Some people hear voices. Some see invisible people. Others have no imagination whatsoever.
- A TV can insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer.
- If winning isn’t everything why do they keep score?
- Virginity is like a soapbubble, one prick and it is gone.
- If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you!
- A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.
- Hallmark Card: “I’m so miserable without you, it’s almost like you’re still here.”
- Whoever coined the phrase “Quiet as a mouse” has never stepped on one.
- If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child.
- Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.
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Alumni can fool some of the coaches some of the time and John Calipari all of the time.
–jaybate 1.0
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Signing one Mickey D is good luck. Signing 3 Mickey Ds is hard work. Signing 10 Mickey Ds is a joke.
–jaybate 1.0
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Recruiting brings out the best in the worst.
–jaybate 1.0
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“1st Jayhawk Basketball Game - 2014”
My friend, Jaybate, received a free ticket to attend a Jayhawks basketball game. Unfortunately. Jaybate’s seat was in the last row in the upper Southwest corner area of the Fieldhouse. He noticed an empty seat about 10 rows up from the floor directly at the mid-court line. He decides to make his way to the empty seat. As he sits down he asks the man next to him if anyone is sitting there. The man told him no, it was empty. Jaybate is very excited to have a seat like this at a Jayhawk Basketball game and asks why in the world no one is using it? The man replied that it was his wife’s seat but she passed away. He also said this was the first Jayhawk Basketball game that they have not attended together since they were married in 1968. Jaybate said that it was really sad and asked why he couldn’t find someone, a relative, or a close friend, to take her seat?
“I couldn’t find anyone” replied the man, “They’re all at her funeral!”
“No malice intended … just having fun!”
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Insert: @RedRooster regarding the above story/joke.
HOWLING!!! You made my day!!!
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What is it about horse racing, parimutuel betting, and whiskey distilleries that make UK so attractive to basketball recruits?
–jaybate 1.0
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‘‘I learned a lesson. I’m not gonna tell you guys who I’m starting.’’ - Bill Self
